The Struggle Is Real

As I sit here, struggling to figure out what to write, I cry out to God to lead me, give me the words to write. Sometimes its easy to know what He wants me to say and other times it crazy difficult. I have an idea in my head of what I want to share but the words jumble in confusion in my head and I can't even put my pen to paper with a solid sentence. Stilling my mind to listen to God is hard! Like I have said in an earlier post, I find tasks to do around the house to keep me busy and away from writing. I let these tasks consume me until I have not a single second to spare in the day. Those tasks are mostly good like cleaning, cooking, learning new skills, making natural medicines from the plants that grow around us and even knitting. I let everything distract me from what I know I've been called to do. And then I let the guilt in and I beat myself up for not listening to God. So here I am, pen to paper, writing words down that will hopefully make sense.

Yesterday, my post was about how God helped calm my nerves and gave me the words to share at church. What he had given me to share was my struggle with cannabis. I can swap cannabis out for alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, social media scrolling, jealousy, anger and the list goes on and on. I've struggled with so many things in my life and will undoubtedly struggle with many many more. I've shared a few of them in previous posts and God has really set me free from so many. But my mind wasn't ready to give up cannabis quite yet.

I had given it up for six months after I felt God speak to me about it while I was in the shower two years ago(ish). I really struggled during that six months with cravings for numbness or a 'softening' of the edges of reality. I had peace, love and joy but I also still craved the 'high' I would get from smoking. During that time, I would grit my teeth through the mind game of cravings and go to bed early just to avoid the temptation.

I eventually talked myself back into using it and had many excuses of why it was 'OK'. Some of my excuses were: it was better than drinking alcohol, I took it for my arthritis pain, to calm my anxiety, it's legal, etc. I still had guilt over it though, and I chalked that up to the 'religious spirit' and smoked even more. I questioned myself on my choices to smoke all the time and also prayed about it constantly. I prayed for a clear answer one way or the other, so I could stop beating myself up. The images I am sharing on here are actual photos of my journal and my internal struggle with this and how I prayed about it. They also contain bible passages that I had been reading in my morning devotions that spoke to me. I apologize in advance for my messy writing.

October 7th, 2024

Dear Father,

As I was reading this morning, these verses spoke to me (Ephesians 5:16-20). Lord, I am going to leave them here with you and wait for discernment on the cannabis. Lord, I don't want to be dependent on it but I can't stop myself when I get home! I give this desire to you Lord and I ask that you change that desire within me to something else, a desire to be filled by the Holy Spirit instead.

And thank you for my pups! They definitely help lift the spirits and getting a body moving.

Amen.

In Ephesians 5:16-20, the part that stuck out to me was "Don't be drunk with wine because that will ruin your life." For me, it wasn't wine anymore, but cannabis, which had replaced the wine and had a similar effect of wasting my time. And also the part about "Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit."

Move forward two days and my journal entry is about a conversation I had with God about cannabis. In this conversation, God told me to trust Him and to keep my eyes on Him when temptation came.

October 9th, 2024

"God and I had a little talk last night about my cannabis. I have brought it to Him in prayer many times and this time the Lord told me to trust Him. In every moment of temptation, turn back to God and put my eyes on Him and trust that He will come through to support you. A new level of faith for me to practice."

Around this time I was also studying in Romans and some verses here really spoke to me about what I was doing. Romans 14:20-23 speaks about how all foods are acceptable, but it is wrong to eat something if it makes another person stumble. And that it is better to not eat meat or drink wine if it might cause another believer to stumble. Even if you believe there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, keep it between yourself and God. It also says 'blessed are those who don't feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right.' The last verse in that passage goes like this :

"But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning."

This verse got me! I was quite obviously feeling guilt over my use of cannabis, so I had to relook at it for myself. I knew that my use of cannabis would cause others to stumble as well or at least they would question my walk with God. So, I continued to bring it to God in prayer and continued to put my eyes on Him for help.

October 31, 2024

"Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the rain last night and the beautiful sleep I had listening to the rain fall. Please forgive me, Lord, for losing the battle with weed yesterday. My brain tells me that I need to stop, and I know I do, but by late afternoon, early evening, I'm telling myself that it's alright to have a puff, and then I go do it. Lord, I can't do this on my own, I need You to strengthen me and to take the cravings away. I lay this down at your feet, dear Father. Thank you, Amen."

The day after this journal entry prayer my devotions were in 2 Timothy 2:23-26 and God used this passage to open my mind to what he wanted to share with me later that evening. This passage reads as follows:

2 Timothy 2:23-26

Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people's hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.

What God shared with me later that evening while I was preparing dinner was:

"Getting high isn't your choice for yourself, it's Satan's way of keeping you from the plan God has for your life. So when you choose to get high, you are listening or doing what Satan wants. He doesn't want you sober and confident in the Lord. He wants to thwart every plan for your life and the easiest way for him to do that is through having you getting high and then beating yourself up about it. Don't let him win. Start placing your trust in Jesus!"

At that moment, I came to my senses and escaped the devils trap. I was no longer held captive by him to do whatever he wanted.

After this conversation with God, I quit weed. I know it has only been a little bit and I should not boast, but I wanted to share with you that he took ALL the cravings away! I was dreading the physical withdrawal symptoms of anxiety and night sweats, but he took those away as well. I am thanking God today and everyday for his kind and gentle leading to the truth. I could have chosen to keep on using pot and God would not have condemned me for that, but His plans for my life as a witness for Him would be stunted. I am excited to see what He has in store for me.

Our own anxiety, stress, guilt and self-punishment is keeping us trapped in a cycle that will never set us free until we give up and look to God for help. And help, He will! He wants what is best for us and is always in the background guiding and nudging our hearts. He has planted his word in our hearts, (James 1:21 So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls). It's there, but we need to learn to recognize it amongst all the other voices in our head. He has given us a roadmap within ourselves to follow him.

2 Timothy 3:16-17

All scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.

I know this post was long and all over the place. Thank you for staying with me and reading it. I am sharing my journey with Christ with all of you, because I am still a baby when it comes to this and I want to share it with you, just in case you might feel the same way. I hope this was encouraging and not condemning. We all have our own walk with the Lord and He will lead and speak to each of us in His timing.